Touchwood
by MyMapOfTheProblematique
Summary: Ianto awakes to find Jack is going to be holding an important meeting in 10 minutes. Still recovering from his strange dream, Ianto goes, unsure of what to expect!


Touchwood, A Torchwood Parody

The office was silent. Ianto was sitting alone at the conference table, drinking a cup of coffee. Both Gwen and Jack were out, but not together.

Gwen was out with Rhys, seeing a movie. It was nice, that despite Gwen's busy and demanding job, that they still spent plenty of time together. Jack was god-knows-where and Ianto guessed that he was either, a) out investigating something, or b) roaming the social scene of Cardiff. Knowing Jack, Ianto decided he was doing both.

The platform elevator began to lower and Ianto, feeling a mixture of boredom and loneliness, decided to greet whoever was coming down. He made a bet with himself that it was going to be Jack, he was right.

"Hey," Ianto called, glad to talk to somebody. It had been a slow day. Jack smiled and stepped off the platform.

"Evening," Jack replied in his perfect voice, "Where's Gwen?"

"She went to the movies with Rhys."

"Damn, what'd she see?" He asked, taking off his great coat and placing it on a chair.

Ianto paused for a moment. "You know I never asked..." He responded thoughtfully, wondering what they might have gone and seen. "We should see a movie some time. It would be nice."

"Yeah, though personally I'd rather go and see a play. Too many movies are in 3-D these days. It's the only thing on your planet that makes me feel dizzy." Jack winced, remembering the last time he went to see a 3-D movie. "Be sure to give me a shout when Gwen gets here, ok? I've been doing some thinking and I realised that I need to discuss something of great importance with everyone." Ianto nodded, standing there awkwardly as Jack wondered over to his desk, picking up a yellow file off of Toshiko's desk along the way.

Ianto began to felt tired. He walked over to the coffee machine to get his caffeine fix, but once he got there he realised that he wasn't in the mood for making it. He stood there absent-mindedly for a few moments. From the Torchwood Hub they could hear the strong winds from the bay.

Ianto spotted the couch near where Owens old work station, before he had died. It was a black leather couch where the team usually rested when they were having a quick coffee break or just needed some space. Hoping Jack wouldn't mind, he curled up onto the couch and began to drift off to sleep.

He awoke to the sound of Jack talking to Gwen and discovered that Jack had placed his WWII Great Coat on him. He smiled at the thought of Jack running off to get his coat from the reception and coming back placing it over his curled sleeping body. He remembered his dream and wasn't sure if he was pleased with it or not. Although he was awake, he would still lay there closing his eyes, thinking of Jack.

Ianto's Dream

_The office was busy, Gwen had been on the telephone for 2 and a half hours asking people about their most recent case, Tosh was on the computer running though CCTV footage and Jack was running back and forth carrying buckets of strange liquid. Tosh and Owen were back._

"_Hot stuff, coming though!" He laughed, winking at Gwen. Gwen smiled at this comment. Jack was holding a full barrel of strange bubbling liquid. Although he was laughing, it was obvious that he was serious about not spilling the stuff for he was walking in a strange way and holding the almost-full bucket at arm's length._

_Ianto smiled at the comment, glancing over his shoulder at Jack. He returned to making his coffee. Finished. "A perfect cup," He said to himself, taking a slight sip. Ianto pivoted on his right foot and swiftly turned around. He did not see Jack carrying the bucket full of bubbling liquid and ran straight into him._

_Crash!_

_Ianto fell backwards; hot burning liquid covered him completely. The bucket had spilled out onto Ianto. Jack was no longer smiling. "Ianto," He began but was interrupted when Gwen, Owen and Tosh ran over._

"_What happened?" Gwen said, looking worried. There was a twinge of panic in her voice._

_Owen knelt down beside Ianto. "What is it?"_

"_Reignfeld Acid from the Terumm galaxy," He said quickly, shaking his head._

"_I've never heard of it," Owen said, examining the bubbling liquid, but not touching it. "Ianto, are you ok?"_

_Ianto's skin felt terrible. It felt like a slow, painful burn on ice cold hands. He didn't respond._

_Everyone looked at Jack. "Jack," Gwen began. "What do we do?"_

"_I'll need a full body suit from the storage, some glasses and some bags that we can dispose of by fire." Toshiko went to retrieve the items and returned instantly. "Everyone can go home," Jack instructed. "I need some space and absolute silence." Jack could see the team were about to complain, but they held their tongues._

_As the others left Jack began to take off Ianto's clothes. In another situation this would have made him smile, but unfortunately he couldn't help but have sad eyes. "I'm sorry," He said plainly. Ianto blinked, looking into his beautiful blue eyes. "No, I really am."_

_Now Ianto was completely naked. Jack, wearing the body suit, picked him up and walked him to a shower attached to a touch screen computer. Jack placed Ianto down and began to change settings on the computer. "Ok," Jack said placing Ianto into the shower cubicle. "I've fixed it so that the liquid coming out – which I'm afraid is going to be green in colour – will water down the acid."_

_Jack then began to strip. "Uhh, Jack..." Ianto said nervously._

"_Yeah?"_

"_Why are you stripping?"_

"_Oh, I thought I'd help clean the acid off. That reminds me, I need a sponge!"_

The dream was cut of here. "Ianto, wake up sleepy head," Jacks voice whispered into his ear, "Meeting in the conference room in 10. Oh, and bring coffee!" Jack dashed to the conference room, excited about whatever he had to tell them.

Ianto gingerly got up from the couch and went to make coffee, just as Jack had ordered.

He carried in the three cups of coffee and placed two on the table and kept the other for himself. Gwen and Jack were both seated and grabbed the cups of coffee gratefully. "Thanks Yan," Gwen smiled.

"Are we all here?" Jack asked, preparing himself.

"No, Jack. We're missing Ianto and me..." Gwen rolled her eyes.

Jack took another sip of his coffee, closing his eyes in delight. "Mmm, this is wonderful Ianto." Ianto blushed and went to take a seat next to Gwen.

"So what is it you wanted to talk about, Jack? Because you know we have other, more important things, to do if this is going to be something stupid." Gwen complained.

"Ah, but this is important," Jack paused, keeping Gwen and Ianto in suspense for a moment. "I propose that we change the name of Torchwood." Ianto and Gwen both looked at Jack with wide eyes.

"You want to change the name?" Ianto questioned. Jack nodded. "What to then?"

"Well, I've been doing some serious thinking..." Gwen giggled at the fact Jack had been thinking seriously. Jack, ignoring Gwen's mockery and continued, "And I've came up with a name that's even better than Torchwood!"

"And what might that be, Harkness." Gwen said, wanting him to get to the point.

"Touchwood!" Gwen and Ianto paused for a second.

Ianto coughed, choking on the coffee he was drinking. "You want to change the name of Torchwood, to _Touchwood_?"

"Yeah, isn't it brilliant? I've already come up with a logo, wanna see?"

"I think I'm going to puke," Gwen admitted, imagining what horrible logo Jack would have picked out to go with the name. She shuddered.

"All in favour of permanently changing the name of Torchwood to Touchwood say aye." Silence. "Ianto?" Ianto shook his head.

"Sorry Jack."

"Aww, come on. Out of both you and Gwen, I expected you to back me up on this one!"

"I just think the name is inappropriate," Ianto sighed, "No one would be able to take us seriously."

"Come on, compared to half the stuff we do, this seems perfectly appropriate! Gwen?"

"Haha, no way Harkness. I agree with Ianto on this one. Besides, enough touching goes on around here anyway!" Gwen protested, feeling a bit sick after imagining what Jack had said about what they have been doing.

Gwen stood up and went to leave the room. "Hey," Jack called, "Where are you going?" Gwen ignored him and walked out the room. Jack ran after her. "Gwen, wait up!"

"We're not calling it Touchwood and that's final!" Gwen called, going up the platformed elevator.

Jack folded, leaning against a column, folded his arms and sulked. Ianto appeared next to him. "Don't worry," He said. "We can call our relationship Touchwood instead." Jack smiled at the thought and gave Ianto a hug.


End file.
